Fearlessness: I was bluntly reminded today that fearlessness can be a rare instinct in children.
Coming home from swim lessons (day 10, he's just getting it figured out, and all he wants to do is be in a pool now) my son asked 'When can we go to the beach? I want to swim in the ocean.' I was proud to hear him ask that after so recently barely being able to swim. That was fearlessness.
But then I opened my mouth. As an adult, it is easy for us to see all the hazards, pitfalls, and potential speedbumps. My nature is to gather as much info as I can, to try and be prepared for any eventuality, to know what I'm getting into. I don't like to be surprised. So the first thing I say is 'Swimming in the ocean is different than swimming in the pool because of the waves.' His fearlessness went immediately to doubt. 'Umm, OK. If we go to the beach I'll just play in the sand.' Damn! Here my son had, on his own, volunteered to take another leap into the unknown, and my simple statement, which to me only provided cautionary information, to prepare him for what lay ahead, instantly sowed the seeds of doubt and the fear of that unknown. I knew right away that nothing I could say could re-instill in him the fearlessness of his original statement.
Not the best way to raise my son. I know I can get him to the beach and get him in the water and eventually get him swimming in the ocean, but it will be quite the task. This all reminded me, rather sharply, that we only get one chance to be a positive influence on our kids. We need to recognize when they are taking that leap and fully encourage it. They will have time later to learn the ups and downs, as that is what life is all about. The best way for him to learn about the waves would have been in the waves, not by me telling him about them.
Encourage that fearlessness. 'The beach? Yeah, that's a great idea! Let's go this weekend and you can go swimming in the ocean!'
That's what I should have said.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Perseverance
Life is hard. You hear that all the time. Each of us deals with a different version of 'hard', and different degrees, but in our little bubbles a lot of what we face seems 'hard'. That's one of the great benefits of church and religion to me: to realize it's a lot worse for a lot of other people, and to be very thankful for what I have. But then a day or two later it will seem 'hard' again...
Young men need to learn that most things seem hard when you first try to do it. Great if it doesn't and you're 'a natural'. But that is the exception rather than the rule. The key is learning that hard doesn't mean impossible. That hard can become easier the more you practice.
I know it was always frustrating when my Dad was trying to teach me something (fly fishing, racket ball, stick shift driving, etc) and it seemed so easy to him and I couldn't even get the most basic aspects down. But he wouldn't let me quit. He may not have ever said 'don't quit' but he kept me practicing and trying, he was there for me every step. As he knew, soon enough the basics would gel and the light would come on, and I would 'get it'. And we all know that sense of satisfaction when we reach that point. That sense of accomplishment is quite a high, and everyone deserves to experience it.
But to get there you have to keep trying. You have to persevere. If you quit you have definitely failed, and there is no way to every have that sense of accomplishment in that task. You will never 'just get it' one day down the road when you haphazardly try again. You can't let children quit. The best things, the biggest sense of accomplishment, require the hardest work.
I'm going through this right now with swimming lessons. I think knowing how to swim, and being able to swim well, are very important. The little boy would rather sit and play Legos all day (which I can understand!). Oh we saw fits and screaming and stomping about going to lesson #1. But sure enough he had fun and saw that it wasn't impossible, that the instructor wasn't just going to throw him in the deep end and say 'swim!'. He's going to keep going, no matter what he says. And I know each time he comes home he will have had fun, and will be having little versions of that sense of accomplishment.
And I'm definitely looking forward to that day when he swims to me, maybe it's only 5 feet, but I know he will be jumping for joy. And soon after that he will be a little fish, showing me how he can dive down to the bottom or swim the length of the pool.
Young men need to learn that most things seem hard when you first try to do it. Great if it doesn't and you're 'a natural'. But that is the exception rather than the rule. The key is learning that hard doesn't mean impossible. That hard can become easier the more you practice.
I know it was always frustrating when my Dad was trying to teach me something (fly fishing, racket ball, stick shift driving, etc) and it seemed so easy to him and I couldn't even get the most basic aspects down. But he wouldn't let me quit. He may not have ever said 'don't quit' but he kept me practicing and trying, he was there for me every step. As he knew, soon enough the basics would gel and the light would come on, and I would 'get it'. And we all know that sense of satisfaction when we reach that point. That sense of accomplishment is quite a high, and everyone deserves to experience it.
But to get there you have to keep trying. You have to persevere. If you quit you have definitely failed, and there is no way to every have that sense of accomplishment in that task. You will never 'just get it' one day down the road when you haphazardly try again. You can't let children quit. The best things, the biggest sense of accomplishment, require the hardest work.
I'm going through this right now with swimming lessons. I think knowing how to swim, and being able to swim well, are very important. The little boy would rather sit and play Legos all day (which I can understand!). Oh we saw fits and screaming and stomping about going to lesson #1. But sure enough he had fun and saw that it wasn't impossible, that the instructor wasn't just going to throw him in the deep end and say 'swim!'. He's going to keep going, no matter what he says. And I know each time he comes home he will have had fun, and will be having little versions of that sense of accomplishment.
And I'm definitely looking forward to that day when he swims to me, maybe it's only 5 feet, but I know he will be jumping for joy. And soon after that he will be a little fish, showing me how he can dive down to the bottom or swim the length of the pool.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Do Manly Things
I found a great site yesterday, The Art of Manliness. This site has all kinds of articles on manly stuff, from skills to character to leadership to being a gentleman. I'm trying to address how to raise a son to be a man, and everything on that site is the goal for him. Love it!
One article is about Feeling Like a Man, and the key is to Feel Like a Man you have to Act Like a Man. Doing is feeling, not the other way around. The author points out that alot of 20 somethings these days are sitting around waiting to feel like a man before they begin to act like a man, which is bass akwards. You have to do manly things, and your brain/ego will adapt to that activity, and you will start to feel like a man. One key to this in days gone by was a rite of passage. By completing that rite, like every other man around you, you would have accomplished a manly task and be able to start feeling like a man (as you would begin to do the manly things, like hunting, protecting your family, building your own family, etc). When I talk about 'manly things' (and the above mentioned website), it's not all testosterone physical stuff, or brutish stuff. Acting like a man and doing manly things means being responsible, having character, principles, and morals, providing for your family, raising your kids right, looking people in the eye and meaning what you say. OK, it also means building things, and fixing things, and challenging yourself physically.
That thought really struck me, and seemed to answer alot of questions about the problems we have with father-less children, crime, etc. If a boy is raised without a father, or manly role models, he doesn't know how to act like a man. We don't start feeling like a man until we accomplish something tough and challenging, some type of rite of passage. What substitutes for that? Crime. Do a robbery, or kill someone, and now you feel like you've accomplished something (something negative obviously, but that is lost on them), and you 'get respect' from the 'men' around you. Not good.
Let me talk to the fathers raising their sons, since that is my true goal here. Many aspects of raising a son to be a man actually lead to or contribute to that rite of passage by accomplishing something challenging, and doing manly things. Remember, doing manly things leads to feeling like a man, and a positive circle of doing and feeling.
Sports is a big part of that (and probably substitute for hunting in the olden days). You have to work hard to learn and master a sport, but that sense of accomplishment tells you that you can do hard things, and shows you how to get there. Life accomplishments after high school are, while not necessarily easier, at least not as daunting because the young man knows that hard work will get him there.
Hunting or shooting (firearm safety and use) is still a great stepping stone to being a man. When your Dad lets you use a gun, you know he trusts you to be safe. That gives you the confidence that you have learned the skills to be safe (most importantly!) and effective with a gun. What's more manly than using a gun? The best thing about hunting/shooting is that you have learned to use a gun properly and safely, that it is not a toy and not for showing off. You don't wave a gun around to feel like a man, you prove yourself by safely completing a hunt and providing food for the table.
So from the tween years with sports, hunting, scouts, a musical instrument, etc, through early adulthood by earning a college degree, getting licensed in a trade, earning a rating in the military and advancing in rank, a boy accomplishes big things, feels like a man, and can stride forth to accomplish more things.
This has to continue throughout his adult life, or problems can arise with a marriage, or just by a general depression (speaking from experience). I fell in to a self generated trap by thinking I was done with DOING things when I got married and had a son. I was comfortable with my family, my job, my life, so I didn't need to DO anything bigger. So I didn't. And I atrophied, and my mental state deteriorated. I didn't know why, but now I see it. I needed to continue to 'do manly things', challenge myself and accomplish things to feel like a man. It's still a struggle, but I definitely notice when I do something manly like train for and complete a race, build a deck, or fix something on the house or car, I feel better. I feel like a man.
So raise that son to be a man by providing him with those challenges and rites of passage. And show him by continuing to do manly things.
One article is about Feeling Like a Man, and the key is to Feel Like a Man you have to Act Like a Man. Doing is feeling, not the other way around. The author points out that alot of 20 somethings these days are sitting around waiting to feel like a man before they begin to act like a man, which is bass akwards. You have to do manly things, and your brain/ego will adapt to that activity, and you will start to feel like a man. One key to this in days gone by was a rite of passage. By completing that rite, like every other man around you, you would have accomplished a manly task and be able to start feeling like a man (as you would begin to do the manly things, like hunting, protecting your family, building your own family, etc). When I talk about 'manly things' (and the above mentioned website), it's not all testosterone physical stuff, or brutish stuff. Acting like a man and doing manly things means being responsible, having character, principles, and morals, providing for your family, raising your kids right, looking people in the eye and meaning what you say. OK, it also means building things, and fixing things, and challenging yourself physically.
That thought really struck me, and seemed to answer alot of questions about the problems we have with father-less children, crime, etc. If a boy is raised without a father, or manly role models, he doesn't know how to act like a man. We don't start feeling like a man until we accomplish something tough and challenging, some type of rite of passage. What substitutes for that? Crime. Do a robbery, or kill someone, and now you feel like you've accomplished something (something negative obviously, but that is lost on them), and you 'get respect' from the 'men' around you. Not good.
Let me talk to the fathers raising their sons, since that is my true goal here. Many aspects of raising a son to be a man actually lead to or contribute to that rite of passage by accomplishing something challenging, and doing manly things. Remember, doing manly things leads to feeling like a man, and a positive circle of doing and feeling.
Sports is a big part of that (and probably substitute for hunting in the olden days). You have to work hard to learn and master a sport, but that sense of accomplishment tells you that you can do hard things, and shows you how to get there. Life accomplishments after high school are, while not necessarily easier, at least not as daunting because the young man knows that hard work will get him there.
Hunting or shooting (firearm safety and use) is still a great stepping stone to being a man. When your Dad lets you use a gun, you know he trusts you to be safe. That gives you the confidence that you have learned the skills to be safe (most importantly!) and effective with a gun. What's more manly than using a gun? The best thing about hunting/shooting is that you have learned to use a gun properly and safely, that it is not a toy and not for showing off. You don't wave a gun around to feel like a man, you prove yourself by safely completing a hunt and providing food for the table.
So from the tween years with sports, hunting, scouts, a musical instrument, etc, through early adulthood by earning a college degree, getting licensed in a trade, earning a rating in the military and advancing in rank, a boy accomplishes big things, feels like a man, and can stride forth to accomplish more things.
This has to continue throughout his adult life, or problems can arise with a marriage, or just by a general depression (speaking from experience). I fell in to a self generated trap by thinking I was done with DOING things when I got married and had a son. I was comfortable with my family, my job, my life, so I didn't need to DO anything bigger. So I didn't. And I atrophied, and my mental state deteriorated. I didn't know why, but now I see it. I needed to continue to 'do manly things', challenge myself and accomplish things to feel like a man. It's still a struggle, but I definitely notice when I do something manly like train for and complete a race, build a deck, or fix something on the house or car, I feel better. I feel like a man.
So raise that son to be a man by providing him with those challenges and rites of passage. And show him by continuing to do manly things.
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