I found a great site yesterday, The Art of Manliness. This site has all kinds of articles on manly stuff, from skills to character to leadership to being a gentleman. I'm trying to address how to raise a son to be a man, and everything on that site is the goal for him. Love it!
One article is about Feeling Like a Man, and the key is to Feel Like a Man you have to Act Like a Man. Doing is feeling, not the other way around. The author points out that alot of 20 somethings these days are sitting around waiting to feel like a man before they begin to act like a man, which is bass akwards. You have to do manly things, and your brain/ego will adapt to that activity, and you will start to feel like a man. One key to this in days gone by was a rite of passage. By completing that rite, like every other man around you, you would have accomplished a manly task and be able to start feeling like a man (as you would begin to do the manly things, like hunting, protecting your family, building your own family, etc). When I talk about 'manly things' (and the above mentioned website), it's not all testosterone physical stuff, or brutish stuff. Acting like a man and doing manly things means being responsible, having character, principles, and morals, providing for your family, raising your kids right, looking people in the eye and meaning what you say. OK, it also means building things, and fixing things, and challenging yourself physically.
That thought really struck me, and seemed to answer alot of questions about the problems we have with father-less children, crime, etc. If a boy is raised without a father, or manly role models, he doesn't know how to act like a man. We don't start feeling like a man until we accomplish something tough and challenging, some type of rite of passage. What substitutes for that? Crime. Do a robbery, or kill someone, and now you feel like you've accomplished something (something negative obviously, but that is lost on them), and you 'get respect' from the 'men' around you. Not good.
Let me talk to the fathers raising their sons, since that is my true goal here. Many aspects of raising a son to be a man actually lead to or contribute to that rite of passage by accomplishing something challenging, and doing manly things. Remember, doing manly things leads to feeling like a man, and a positive circle of doing and feeling.
Sports is a big part of that (and probably substitute for hunting in the olden days). You have to work hard to learn and master a sport, but that sense of accomplishment tells you that you can do hard things, and shows you how to get there. Life accomplishments after high school are, while not necessarily easier, at least not as daunting because the young man knows that hard work will get him there.
Hunting or shooting (firearm safety and use) is still a great stepping stone to being a man. When your Dad lets you use a gun, you know he trusts you to be safe. That gives you the confidence that you have learned the skills to be safe (most importantly!) and effective with a gun. What's more manly than using a gun? The best thing about hunting/shooting is that you have learned to use a gun properly and safely, that it is not a toy and not for showing off. You don't wave a gun around to feel like a man, you prove yourself by safely completing a hunt and providing food for the table.
So from the tween years with sports, hunting, scouts, a musical instrument, etc, through early adulthood by earning a college degree, getting licensed in a trade, earning a rating in the military and advancing in rank, a boy accomplishes big things, feels like a man, and can stride forth to accomplish more things.
This has to continue throughout his adult life, or problems can arise with a marriage, or just by a general depression (speaking from experience). I fell in to a self generated trap by thinking I was done with DOING things when I got married and had a son. I was comfortable with my family, my job, my life, so I didn't need to DO anything bigger. So I didn't. And I atrophied, and my mental state deteriorated. I didn't know why, but now I see it. I needed to continue to 'do manly things', challenge myself and accomplish things to feel like a man. It's still a struggle, but I definitely notice when I do something manly like train for and complete a race, build a deck, or fix something on the house or car, I feel better. I feel like a man.
So raise that son to be a man by providing him with those challenges and rites of passage. And show him by continuing to do manly things.
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