Fearlessness: I was bluntly reminded today that fearlessness can be a rare instinct in children.
Coming home from swim lessons (day 10, he's just getting it figured out, and all he wants to do is be in a pool now) my son asked 'When can we go to the beach? I want to swim in the ocean.' I was proud to hear him ask that after so recently barely being able to swim. That was fearlessness.
But then I opened my mouth. As an adult, it is easy for us to see all the hazards, pitfalls, and potential speedbumps. My nature is to gather as much info as I can, to try and be prepared for any eventuality, to know what I'm getting into. I don't like to be surprised. So the first thing I say is 'Swimming in the ocean is different than swimming in the pool because of the waves.' His fearlessness went immediately to doubt. 'Umm, OK. If we go to the beach I'll just play in the sand.' Damn! Here my son had, on his own, volunteered to take another leap into the unknown, and my simple statement, which to me only provided cautionary information, to prepare him for what lay ahead, instantly sowed the seeds of doubt and the fear of that unknown. I knew right away that nothing I could say could re-instill in him the fearlessness of his original statement.
Not the best way to raise my son. I know I can get him to the beach and get him in the water and eventually get him swimming in the ocean, but it will be quite the task. This all reminded me, rather sharply, that we only get one chance to be a positive influence on our kids. We need to recognize when they are taking that leap and fully encourage it. They will have time later to learn the ups and downs, as that is what life is all about. The best way for him to learn about the waves would have been in the waves, not by me telling him about them.
Encourage that fearlessness. 'The beach? Yeah, that's a great idea! Let's go this weekend and you can go swimming in the ocean!'
That's what I should have said.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Perseverance
Life is hard. You hear that all the time. Each of us deals with a different version of 'hard', and different degrees, but in our little bubbles a lot of what we face seems 'hard'. That's one of the great benefits of church and religion to me: to realize it's a lot worse for a lot of other people, and to be very thankful for what I have. But then a day or two later it will seem 'hard' again...
Young men need to learn that most things seem hard when you first try to do it. Great if it doesn't and you're 'a natural'. But that is the exception rather than the rule. The key is learning that hard doesn't mean impossible. That hard can become easier the more you practice.
I know it was always frustrating when my Dad was trying to teach me something (fly fishing, racket ball, stick shift driving, etc) and it seemed so easy to him and I couldn't even get the most basic aspects down. But he wouldn't let me quit. He may not have ever said 'don't quit' but he kept me practicing and trying, he was there for me every step. As he knew, soon enough the basics would gel and the light would come on, and I would 'get it'. And we all know that sense of satisfaction when we reach that point. That sense of accomplishment is quite a high, and everyone deserves to experience it.
But to get there you have to keep trying. You have to persevere. If you quit you have definitely failed, and there is no way to every have that sense of accomplishment in that task. You will never 'just get it' one day down the road when you haphazardly try again. You can't let children quit. The best things, the biggest sense of accomplishment, require the hardest work.
I'm going through this right now with swimming lessons. I think knowing how to swim, and being able to swim well, are very important. The little boy would rather sit and play Legos all day (which I can understand!). Oh we saw fits and screaming and stomping about going to lesson #1. But sure enough he had fun and saw that it wasn't impossible, that the instructor wasn't just going to throw him in the deep end and say 'swim!'. He's going to keep going, no matter what he says. And I know each time he comes home he will have had fun, and will be having little versions of that sense of accomplishment.
And I'm definitely looking forward to that day when he swims to me, maybe it's only 5 feet, but I know he will be jumping for joy. And soon after that he will be a little fish, showing me how he can dive down to the bottom or swim the length of the pool.
Young men need to learn that most things seem hard when you first try to do it. Great if it doesn't and you're 'a natural'. But that is the exception rather than the rule. The key is learning that hard doesn't mean impossible. That hard can become easier the more you practice.
I know it was always frustrating when my Dad was trying to teach me something (fly fishing, racket ball, stick shift driving, etc) and it seemed so easy to him and I couldn't even get the most basic aspects down. But he wouldn't let me quit. He may not have ever said 'don't quit' but he kept me practicing and trying, he was there for me every step. As he knew, soon enough the basics would gel and the light would come on, and I would 'get it'. And we all know that sense of satisfaction when we reach that point. That sense of accomplishment is quite a high, and everyone deserves to experience it.
But to get there you have to keep trying. You have to persevere. If you quit you have definitely failed, and there is no way to every have that sense of accomplishment in that task. You will never 'just get it' one day down the road when you haphazardly try again. You can't let children quit. The best things, the biggest sense of accomplishment, require the hardest work.
I'm going through this right now with swimming lessons. I think knowing how to swim, and being able to swim well, are very important. The little boy would rather sit and play Legos all day (which I can understand!). Oh we saw fits and screaming and stomping about going to lesson #1. But sure enough he had fun and saw that it wasn't impossible, that the instructor wasn't just going to throw him in the deep end and say 'swim!'. He's going to keep going, no matter what he says. And I know each time he comes home he will have had fun, and will be having little versions of that sense of accomplishment.
And I'm definitely looking forward to that day when he swims to me, maybe it's only 5 feet, but I know he will be jumping for joy. And soon after that he will be a little fish, showing me how he can dive down to the bottom or swim the length of the pool.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Do Manly Things
I found a great site yesterday, The Art of Manliness. This site has all kinds of articles on manly stuff, from skills to character to leadership to being a gentleman. I'm trying to address how to raise a son to be a man, and everything on that site is the goal for him. Love it!
One article is about Feeling Like a Man, and the key is to Feel Like a Man you have to Act Like a Man. Doing is feeling, not the other way around. The author points out that alot of 20 somethings these days are sitting around waiting to feel like a man before they begin to act like a man, which is bass akwards. You have to do manly things, and your brain/ego will adapt to that activity, and you will start to feel like a man. One key to this in days gone by was a rite of passage. By completing that rite, like every other man around you, you would have accomplished a manly task and be able to start feeling like a man (as you would begin to do the manly things, like hunting, protecting your family, building your own family, etc). When I talk about 'manly things' (and the above mentioned website), it's not all testosterone physical stuff, or brutish stuff. Acting like a man and doing manly things means being responsible, having character, principles, and morals, providing for your family, raising your kids right, looking people in the eye and meaning what you say. OK, it also means building things, and fixing things, and challenging yourself physically.
That thought really struck me, and seemed to answer alot of questions about the problems we have with father-less children, crime, etc. If a boy is raised without a father, or manly role models, he doesn't know how to act like a man. We don't start feeling like a man until we accomplish something tough and challenging, some type of rite of passage. What substitutes for that? Crime. Do a robbery, or kill someone, and now you feel like you've accomplished something (something negative obviously, but that is lost on them), and you 'get respect' from the 'men' around you. Not good.
Let me talk to the fathers raising their sons, since that is my true goal here. Many aspects of raising a son to be a man actually lead to or contribute to that rite of passage by accomplishing something challenging, and doing manly things. Remember, doing manly things leads to feeling like a man, and a positive circle of doing and feeling.
Sports is a big part of that (and probably substitute for hunting in the olden days). You have to work hard to learn and master a sport, but that sense of accomplishment tells you that you can do hard things, and shows you how to get there. Life accomplishments after high school are, while not necessarily easier, at least not as daunting because the young man knows that hard work will get him there.
Hunting or shooting (firearm safety and use) is still a great stepping stone to being a man. When your Dad lets you use a gun, you know he trusts you to be safe. That gives you the confidence that you have learned the skills to be safe (most importantly!) and effective with a gun. What's more manly than using a gun? The best thing about hunting/shooting is that you have learned to use a gun properly and safely, that it is not a toy and not for showing off. You don't wave a gun around to feel like a man, you prove yourself by safely completing a hunt and providing food for the table.
So from the tween years with sports, hunting, scouts, a musical instrument, etc, through early adulthood by earning a college degree, getting licensed in a trade, earning a rating in the military and advancing in rank, a boy accomplishes big things, feels like a man, and can stride forth to accomplish more things.
This has to continue throughout his adult life, or problems can arise with a marriage, or just by a general depression (speaking from experience). I fell in to a self generated trap by thinking I was done with DOING things when I got married and had a son. I was comfortable with my family, my job, my life, so I didn't need to DO anything bigger. So I didn't. And I atrophied, and my mental state deteriorated. I didn't know why, but now I see it. I needed to continue to 'do manly things', challenge myself and accomplish things to feel like a man. It's still a struggle, but I definitely notice when I do something manly like train for and complete a race, build a deck, or fix something on the house or car, I feel better. I feel like a man.
So raise that son to be a man by providing him with those challenges and rites of passage. And show him by continuing to do manly things.
One article is about Feeling Like a Man, and the key is to Feel Like a Man you have to Act Like a Man. Doing is feeling, not the other way around. The author points out that alot of 20 somethings these days are sitting around waiting to feel like a man before they begin to act like a man, which is bass akwards. You have to do manly things, and your brain/ego will adapt to that activity, and you will start to feel like a man. One key to this in days gone by was a rite of passage. By completing that rite, like every other man around you, you would have accomplished a manly task and be able to start feeling like a man (as you would begin to do the manly things, like hunting, protecting your family, building your own family, etc). When I talk about 'manly things' (and the above mentioned website), it's not all testosterone physical stuff, or brutish stuff. Acting like a man and doing manly things means being responsible, having character, principles, and morals, providing for your family, raising your kids right, looking people in the eye and meaning what you say. OK, it also means building things, and fixing things, and challenging yourself physically.
That thought really struck me, and seemed to answer alot of questions about the problems we have with father-less children, crime, etc. If a boy is raised without a father, or manly role models, he doesn't know how to act like a man. We don't start feeling like a man until we accomplish something tough and challenging, some type of rite of passage. What substitutes for that? Crime. Do a robbery, or kill someone, and now you feel like you've accomplished something (something negative obviously, but that is lost on them), and you 'get respect' from the 'men' around you. Not good.
Let me talk to the fathers raising their sons, since that is my true goal here. Many aspects of raising a son to be a man actually lead to or contribute to that rite of passage by accomplishing something challenging, and doing manly things. Remember, doing manly things leads to feeling like a man, and a positive circle of doing and feeling.
Sports is a big part of that (and probably substitute for hunting in the olden days). You have to work hard to learn and master a sport, but that sense of accomplishment tells you that you can do hard things, and shows you how to get there. Life accomplishments after high school are, while not necessarily easier, at least not as daunting because the young man knows that hard work will get him there.
Hunting or shooting (firearm safety and use) is still a great stepping stone to being a man. When your Dad lets you use a gun, you know he trusts you to be safe. That gives you the confidence that you have learned the skills to be safe (most importantly!) and effective with a gun. What's more manly than using a gun? The best thing about hunting/shooting is that you have learned to use a gun properly and safely, that it is not a toy and not for showing off. You don't wave a gun around to feel like a man, you prove yourself by safely completing a hunt and providing food for the table.
So from the tween years with sports, hunting, scouts, a musical instrument, etc, through early adulthood by earning a college degree, getting licensed in a trade, earning a rating in the military and advancing in rank, a boy accomplishes big things, feels like a man, and can stride forth to accomplish more things.
This has to continue throughout his adult life, or problems can arise with a marriage, or just by a general depression (speaking from experience). I fell in to a self generated trap by thinking I was done with DOING things when I got married and had a son. I was comfortable with my family, my job, my life, so I didn't need to DO anything bigger. So I didn't. And I atrophied, and my mental state deteriorated. I didn't know why, but now I see it. I needed to continue to 'do manly things', challenge myself and accomplish things to feel like a man. It's still a struggle, but I definitely notice when I do something manly like train for and complete a race, build a deck, or fix something on the house or car, I feel better. I feel like a man.
So raise that son to be a man by providing him with those challenges and rites of passage. And show him by continuing to do manly things.
Monday, June 18, 2012
Strength
I have two boys. I find myself fighting alot of various forces that seem to NOT want me to raise them as men. That's men as I understand them, as I was raised, as I thnk the world needs.
Men fight, because we are the protectors. We have to learn to prevail in confrontations, because through that you learn that some confrontations can be avoided purely by showing strength. That's not a false bravado, or picking fights, or enjoying fights. It simply means the other guy understands that you are ready to deal with the situation, and it's going to cost him something to try and force his will upon you. This applies to walking a dark street at night, or to entering a negotiation. Weakness is to be exploited for gain, while strength is to be respected.
My favorite example comes from when I was a sophmore in high school. That was the first year I was on the high school campus, and I would have been 15 entering that year. I was basically a shy kid, and you would call me on the thin or scrawny side (I played baseball and basketball, not football). In gym class, there was a guy I would put in the 'druggie' crowd (pot smokers in that day). This guy loved to shove me around in the locker room and call me names. He was about my size, maybe a little more buff, but the 'druggie' label made me, irrationally, add some to his stature. Well, finally, after a few months of this abuse, I had just had enough. I resigned myself to probably getting my face punched in or something, but I had to do something about the situation. The next time I came into the locker room, and he started his shoving and taunting, I snapped on him. I grabbed him by his shirt and ran him into a locker, and screamed right in his face to 'Leave me the f*#! alone!' or I was going to kick his ass. It was a bit of a surreal moment, but he was obviously shocked and caught completely by surprise that I would fight back. I think he did a quick tactical analysis and quickly realized that it was pretty even, and decided he didn't want to fight to a draw and pay that price. He backed down, gave it one of those 'I didn't mean nuthin by it man' and slinked off, never to bother me again. Today I would have been told to 'talk with him, ask him nicely to stop' and other such BS. A bad actor like this, because he is a bad actor, is most likely not going to respond to platitudes. He only understands the currency of power, and so you have to deal with him in that currency.
This applies in today's world just as well. When walking a dark street at night, I stride purposefully right down the middle of the sidewalk, constantly scanning my surroundings. That tells anyone assessing the situation that I am aware, probably can't be taken by surprise, and am confident that I can handle any confrontation. Compare that to someone who shuffles along the edge of the sidewalk with their head down, not looking at anyone. That says 'weak' and 'easy target'. By not making myself a target, I avoid the confrontations in the first place.
I hear folks sharing fears that promoting strength leads to bullying. I disagree. Part of promoting strength is to promote the idea of protecting the weak. That marginalizes the true bullies (or criminals) even more, because now they have to factor in that someone of strength might step in to protect their weak target. Bullying is a moral problem, not a physical one.
Men fight, because we are the protectors. We have to learn to prevail in confrontations, because through that you learn that some confrontations can be avoided purely by showing strength. That's not a false bravado, or picking fights, or enjoying fights. It simply means the other guy understands that you are ready to deal with the situation, and it's going to cost him something to try and force his will upon you. This applies to walking a dark street at night, or to entering a negotiation. Weakness is to be exploited for gain, while strength is to be respected.
My favorite example comes from when I was a sophmore in high school. That was the first year I was on the high school campus, and I would have been 15 entering that year. I was basically a shy kid, and you would call me on the thin or scrawny side (I played baseball and basketball, not football). In gym class, there was a guy I would put in the 'druggie' crowd (pot smokers in that day). This guy loved to shove me around in the locker room and call me names. He was about my size, maybe a little more buff, but the 'druggie' label made me, irrationally, add some to his stature. Well, finally, after a few months of this abuse, I had just had enough. I resigned myself to probably getting my face punched in or something, but I had to do something about the situation. The next time I came into the locker room, and he started his shoving and taunting, I snapped on him. I grabbed him by his shirt and ran him into a locker, and screamed right in his face to 'Leave me the f*#! alone!' or I was going to kick his ass. It was a bit of a surreal moment, but he was obviously shocked and caught completely by surprise that I would fight back. I think he did a quick tactical analysis and quickly realized that it was pretty even, and decided he didn't want to fight to a draw and pay that price. He backed down, gave it one of those 'I didn't mean nuthin by it man' and slinked off, never to bother me again. Today I would have been told to 'talk with him, ask him nicely to stop' and other such BS. A bad actor like this, because he is a bad actor, is most likely not going to respond to platitudes. He only understands the currency of power, and so you have to deal with him in that currency.
This applies in today's world just as well. When walking a dark street at night, I stride purposefully right down the middle of the sidewalk, constantly scanning my surroundings. That tells anyone assessing the situation that I am aware, probably can't be taken by surprise, and am confident that I can handle any confrontation. Compare that to someone who shuffles along the edge of the sidewalk with their head down, not looking at anyone. That says 'weak' and 'easy target'. By not making myself a target, I avoid the confrontations in the first place.
I hear folks sharing fears that promoting strength leads to bullying. I disagree. Part of promoting strength is to promote the idea of protecting the weak. That marginalizes the true bullies (or criminals) even more, because now they have to factor in that someone of strength might step in to protect their weak target. Bullying is a moral problem, not a physical one.
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